Recipe for the perfect Hollywood rom-com

theenglishroast:

YOU WILL NEED:

• 1 goofy-but-loveable lead, with the charm and good looks of bread, but it doesn’t matter because he’s loveable and there’s enough of him to hug even though he seems like the kind of guy that would always rather be watching sports and re-gifts books. Not Adam Sandler but might as well be.
• 1 best friend, preferably gay/ethnic enough to be non-threatening to the lead, basically just a vehicle for brilliantly witty and vaguely offensive one-liners for the trailer that just by living your life in the world you will hear about 300 times.
• A sprinkle of a wacky parent to add spice, who wears animal prints and still talks about sex even though they’re older than forty because their just so WACKY, usually played by Patricia Clarkson. Appears whenever the story starts to flag to remind lead what is important and be inappropriate.
• 82 lbs of some shit-I’m-hot girl with perfect hair and expensive clothes but slightly offset by dead eyes and the personality and like-ability of rust. Preferably Katherine Heigl.
• 1 ‘bad-guy’ fiancee, with good-looks, nice suits and probably a steady job but is so douchey I mean he just doesn’t get her and probably doesn’t even know the colour of her eyes or the way she brushes the hair off her face when she laughs I mean come on! He’s just so douchey! I mean he probably has good credit and a nice apartment and gym membership! Twat.
• 1 pathetic friend for the leading girl who is bitter and tells it like it is and has a favourite strong drink and is totally wild and sleeps with a lot of men and is bitter. Usually played by Judy Greer. 
• OPTIONAL: A friendly pet/critter (to taste), a wise child who says rude things and is wise, a cameo from Jennifer Coolidge/Eugene Levy, an Asian cab driver.
• 5 smart seven-year-olds to draft the script.
• 1 tagline. 
• $20 million.

Stir the mixture in a New York or Los Angeles setting. Add to heat for about 3 months as the movie is over-advertised and overhyped. Leave to cool when the reviews are released. Serves 15 million.

XD

I would say though, usually the best friend (of the male lead) is not gay but rather an uber straight ‘lady-killer’ type, to make the male lead look sweet and sensitive by comparison; with just the right level of misogyny to keep the imagined male audience happy with the required amount of offensive sound bites that often only make it into the trailer rather than the final cut of the film because in context they aren’t even funny.

(Source: unholygrail)